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| Sunday, June 8th, 2008 | | 8:49 pm |
Happy Birthday optimussven! How about this score? I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, wish there was a 2008 husband test: Where is torobche? Chicago feels like Miami these days, amazingly humid with thunderstorms that rock the windows and then disappear without a trace. | | Monday, May 14th, 2007 | | 10:00 pm |
Hello lj world
So it's been a while. So much time has elapsed and there is so much to cover that each day/week/month makes it harder and harder to decide to write again. ***** Gas boycott May 15th! Part of me is excited, part of me wishes that people in the good ol' US of A could rise up and away from the NBA playoffs and American Idol finals in a popular tide and force change. I imagine people waving red flags in front of the stations, picket lines that prevent the weak willed from indulging in their petro-addictions. Unfortunately, the more I look at our past and our present, the more I realize how rare such instances really are. My faith in the responsiveness of government to people is at an all time low. It's naive, but I still won't be pumping any gas tomorrow. Of course, I'll probably have to pump on the 16th. ***** So i'm listening to NPR while picking up some food. The traffic and weather update comes up and then suddenly: "This traffic and weather brought to you by the WWE: Wrestlemania 2I" I never knew that the NPR and pro wrestling demographics overlapped. I almost didn't believe my ears but then it came again at the next traffic update. ***** It's summer in Chicago again but everything is different. I used to post these at 4 in the morning but now I wake up at 5:30 in the morning to go to *gasp* work! I come home and work out/eat with Sophia, watch some TV, and go to sleep by 11 pm after playing some Uno. We have ducklings in the house that I worry about at lunchtime, I call Sophia up to make sure that she checked on their water, like they're our babies. I see my friends once or twice a month; everyone brings their wives/husbands/fiancees. Talk is a bit nostalgic about college but we inevitably turn towards conversations about jobs, work, children, investments; some of them are already so old that they are donating to the Obama campaign. I turned 26 last weekend and I do believe that adult life has hit me smack in the face. It is far more satisfying and agreeable than I had imagined it would be. Current Mood: awake | | Thursday, August 4th, 2005 | | 6:14 pm |
| | Saturday, April 16th, 2005 | | 11:05 pm |
Bollywood
So I'm listening to mp3s while I get ready to resume studying for the evening and "Shava Shava" comes on, a particularly inane song from Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham that is played at every wedding party in Chicago. Amitabh Bachan: Say Shava Shava! Everybody! Say Shava Shava! Me: Hey Amit, what the hell does Shava mean? Amit: It means.......hmmm.....you know I don't really know what most Bollywood lyrics mean....you know....they're about love and shit like that. Ahhh, we're losing our culture. Not that Bollywood is my culture, but I need to learn more Hindi and Urdu. Today at the barbershop, the muslim barber wasn't sure he could shave my beard and have a clean conscious when he went to sleep tonight. But it's been reduced to a jawline strip. If I ever join the mafia and can get a straight-blade shave every morning, I'm hiring this guy. I can't wait to get back home, I should be there, Allah willing, by Tuesday afternoon. I miss Chicago, family and friends. But to be brutally honest, I just can't wait to see Sophia again. Current Mood:  bouncy | | Tuesday, March 15th, 2005 | | 6:52 pm |
Midterms in a week. Am I studying? No, I'm trying to teach myself to waltz with a website. So I was listening to some waltz music while I practiced but it sounded too.....stupid (don't I sound like an ignorant 23-year old guy). I had to put on something better, so I tried hiphop.com's preview of the Purple City mixtapes (Road to Riches). Waltzing to rap is much better, it has the right 1-2 beat, but I'm still a clutz. Yeah I reckon I'm at a crossroads of some sorts but I'm not big on attaching importance to any single part of life, the whole ride is one of transition, that's the only thing that's constant. Things with S are constantly amazing and I still learn new things about her, discover new sides. Our relationship has made something of a turn and I look forward to the next one just as much as I've enjoyed the way things were before. I have never known this more strongly, that it feels good to need someone and to be needed by someone. Can a woman bring you closer to God, make you want to obey him out of thankfulness for her, can she make you feel care and love like no other? Yes she can, ameen. I find that my feelings for her have given me a new understanding of the nature of dedication, faith, and trust in God. The scariest thought though is to be trusted with her heart so completely and to have the fear that I might hurt it when that is the last thing I would ever want to do, to insult something so pure out of momentary insensitivity, ignorance, or worse, because someday I might take that trust for granted. The more I learn about S, the more I realize that I need to be gentle, sensitive to her feelings, and to communicate. Ice cream floats don't taste the same in the UK, this vanilla ice cream isn't vanilla enough. This is my fifth scoop of ice cream today. However, the rest of the scoops were excellent (why don't we have toffee or honeycomb ice cream?). Sorry for the gibberish, the gushing. Life is good, praise Allah. Time to waltz over to Isha. Current Mood:  amused | | Friday, February 18th, 2005 | | 10:27 pm |
My first set of exams are done. Everyone agreed that I looked too happy and awake during exams (despite having slept a grand total of 1.5 hrs). They're done and for the first time in a long time, I feel academically confident. Just spent a night with a random group of fascinating guys on the kind of night where I had room for randomness, including a convert who looks like Conan O'Brien, though perhaps a few inches shorter. Tonight has been the kind of night where I felt like I could stand still on a brightly lit corner of damp and vibrant England and watch everyone else's lives spin and from a fixed point observe some trajectories. Everyone's going somewhere it seems, not necessarily geographically, but lives are in motion here in the early 20s of our existences. ***** Getting together with NU people this weekend to take on the great city that is London. Should be a good time catching up with old friends and checking out new places. ***** I used to always wish for the slacker life, then I lived it and realized that it wasn't very rewarding at all. I am so glad to be doing something, to feel that my days are useful and my nights are deservedly my own. To be doing what I want to do, to like it, and to feel that I am also doing what I should be doing, it is a great feeling. There is just too much to be done in the world and it doesn't get done by hanging out all night and chilling all day. A few months ago, my dad told me that this is the spring of my life and now I have to sow the seeds of success to be reaped later. Sometimes I see him as such a tragic figure, with no time to stop and smell the roses, and even if he had the time, I wonder if work and responsibility have not deadened those senses. Then I get a glimpse of some poetry, some soul, and realize that we are ever more alike. ***** There are a hundred songs playing in my head right now and I think I'm going to do some studying while listening to them one by one. Then it'll be time for the best part of the week, the call. I've missed people and places before, but she is redefining the entire group of feelings for me. Exactly 9 weeks before I'm back in Chicago, though I'm sure while I'm there I will miss Cairo and Boston and Luton. ***** I've pretty much talked to my family for about ten minutes a week. Last Monday though I talked to my youngest brother for 45 minutes. I write this all the time and yet still I have to write it again. I am always surprised by his ideas, his maturity, and surprised that he does not find it a boring ordeal to talk to his distant older brother for so long, in fact, I had to cut him off. I feel like I must be such a marginal part of his life that it is always surprising when I find that we can talk and share. Meanwhile, Sku stopped me in the middle of our conversation and formally congratulated me on getting engaged. It was so strange but so wonderful, we're not a formal sort of family but he felt that he needed to say it clearly and felt bad for not having said it earlier. Sophia has been at our house every weekend and when he realized that he was not even surprised to see her there, he also realized that she was part of the family. Mom: Sonny you made a good choice. She's a wonderful girl. Sophia: How could I not get along with your mom? She's so easygoing and funny. The inner desi guy in me is ecstatic to see the girl I love and my family getting along so well. Pinch me. ***** On a completely different note, it's almost the 10th of Muharram, the anniversary of the martyrdom of Imam Hussain (may Allah be pleased with him) along with much of his family, part of the family of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). I almost feel ashamed to write about this after gushing about my own ridiculously easy life, perhaps this should be in a separate post, one where the mood isn't "cheerful" and the music a chipper Roy Orbison ditty. Words cannot describe this tragedy although every year speakers of great eloquence attempt to do so. The saddest thing for me is that the Imam Hussains and Ali Asghars, the innocents of the world, continue to be killed every year, whether they are men in Iraq, women in India, or babies in Congo. My heart is full of anger, pity, and hope, but what action does that result in? The one thing about everything I've written is that my life feels like it is in such a nice and happy order, but it does nothing for others. I feel live I've shaken off the personal stasis I was in before but still have a long way to go. Well there goes the cheerful. It is good to stay grounded though, I am too prone to coasting in the clouds. I guess I've been pinched, but the khutba said not to despair, Allah knows best. Everyday has to be one where you wake up and see a new opportunity to better yourself and enrich those around you. Current Mood: cheerful | | Wednesday, February 9th, 2005 | | 12:03 am |
There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before. -- Willa Cather Everytime I bump into this quote I have meant to post it and then forgot to do so. Can I really think that I am happier, sadder, angrier, more confused or more in love than anyone else before? Are my feelings and experiences really unique? Traveling down I-90 W every other weekend to see my grandparents, the expressway used to climb up into the air so that you were driving at the second-story level of the single-family homes around the highway. Something about looking into the 2nd floor made me think more about these people's private lives (maybe something to do with the fact that the front rooms of houses are always nice because that's what outsiders see). I used to look at those 2nd floor windows and wonder what was going on with the people in there. What were there hopes, dreams, and struggles? Ultimately I would think again and again about how rich human experience is, that every person has a story and while they probably all do boil down to the same two or three, they have different nuances that perhaps could only be understood by knowing the characters' whole lives, the summation of all the incidences that shaped them so that they would react to new incidences in certain ways. Sometimes I would see someone through the window, a laundry line, or maybe just a little tricycle left on the front lawn, something to remind me that there were people in every house that I whizzed past, and pray to God that he would smooth out their problems. I think this is why I will always remain a talker, I like getting to know people and then getting to know them better. I realized this in attempting to structure my time before midterms, that I spend an inordinate amount of time on communication and keeping in touch. ***** I think I may have written a post like this before, this happens to me often regarding LJ posts. Maybe it is because I have thought about this stuff in my mind, worded it out in my mind, but never written it. Or perhaps I have the same two or three ideas all the time and then hash them out as fiercely as if I had never thought of them before. Current Mood: awake | | Wednesday, January 26th, 2005 | | 1:23 am |
Wisdom
Inspired by torobche's paper, I went to wikipedia to read more about Kabbalah, which then led me to an entry about Hasidic Judaism, which then led me to this: "Man," says Besht, "must always bear in mind that God is omnipresent and is always with him; that God is, so to speak, the most subtle matter everywhere diffused....Let man realize that when he is looking at material things he is in reality gazing at the image of the Deity which is present in all things. With this in mind man will always serve God even in small matters." - Besht aka Israel ben Eliezar Isn't that beautiful? ***** I really like the UK. More on this later. ***** I talked to my dad today briefly, he wanted to go over plans for the engagement. I think we get along much better when I am away. Azam: Dad, I really want to thank you and Mom for running around and getting this whole thing set up, I feel kinda bad since I'm not around to work some of this out. Abu: Don't worry, we are happy, this is a happy occasion. It is our pleasure. We just want to make sure everyone has a good time and no one is left out. If you knew my dad, you'd realize why this kind of statement is so special...he is not an emotional person. Perhaps he was before the weight of obligation and responsibility forced him into a perpetually-pragmatic state. Still there are these glimmers once in a while that remind me of our similarity. ***** Today her mom said it would be permissible for me place the ring on her finger at the ceremony, rather than give her the ring in a box or have a woman place the ring. My life is too good, could I ever have guessed that this is where I would be two years after Egypt? 23 years after being born? "Praise and thanks belong to Allah, who led us to this. We would never have been guided had He not guided us." Surah Al-A'raf, Verse 43 Current Mood: cheerful | | Wednesday, December 1st, 2004 | | 12:38 am |
WTF? This quiz is bunk, I changed my answers three times and got the same answer. Look, this is going to be really corny. Shmaltzy. Azam from three years ago would beat down the author of this. Azam from three years from now probably will too. Just a warning I guess. Spent the night talking, watching tv, and putting a table together with her. Just an hour really. It was wonderful. Even the simplest things become more exciting in her company. She's here, just five minutes away after all this distance. If only I could freeze my life at this point. The old college and high school friends are still in Chicago and plenty of out-of-town comrades have rolled through for the various weddings/engagments/holidays that have been part of this ridiculously social November that began with the end of Ramadan and an amazingly fun Eid. My family is all together at home, Asiya is on break from school and is trying out the most delicious recipes when she is not giving me relationship advice while my brothers continue to entertain and impress me. No worries now that I'm on my way to med school finally, thereby removing the heavy cloud of nagging doubt and worry that has hung over every joyous moment in the past two years; I am truly free to enjoy all of this now. My days consist of light studying (echocardiography, endocrinology), errands, mosque, and hanging out (heavy on the last two as usual). Tomorrow I will do a bit of studying, spend time with my siblings before heading out to see a documentary downtown with Shabir. Then I'll head back north, hit up Isha at the masjid and then drop by her place and make sure everything's alright before going home to finish things off sampling Asiya's latest culinary accomplishment while I check the big three (Gmail, LJ, and Wikipedia) until I feel the need to sleep. The whole time, there will be the warm memories of yesterday, the thrill of today, and the anticipation of tomorrow despite the many partings that will occur in just a month. I'm so happy, I feel like I could burst. I feel like I've written this before and hopefully I'll write it again. Here's to another December of promise and meaning. I'm calling it the Mardi Gras December, leaving Chicago in a blaze of glory, doing what I want to do before buckling down at med school, but then I realize that come January I will also be doing what I want to do, which is a very good feeling. Taking a swing at realizing some potential and hopefully proving myself in the process. "Is not the time ripe for the hearts of those who believe to submit to Allah's reminder and to the truth which is revealed..." Surah Hadid, verse 16 "Naught of disaster befalls in the earth or in yourselves but it isn a book before we bring it into being - Lo, that is easy for Allah- That ye grieve not for the sake of that which has escaped you, nor yet exult because of that which has been given. Allah loves not all prideful boasters." Surah Hadid, 22-23 Ameen, truly I am blessed. If I feel any discomfort in my heart, it is that I do not deserve to have such a wonderful life while others struggle. Unfortunately, I forget this often as I enjoy these heady days and nights. Current Mood:  flirty | | Sunday, October 10th, 2004 | | 8:48 am |
9 Short Films about Springfield
I finally had a grocery store epiphany for queenvish a while back. The person manning the multiple automated grocery checkers is the most defeated person at the grocery store. They are actively working towards their own obsoletion, to the day when humans checking groceries are totally unnecessary and they themselves will become jobless. ***** One of the best parts of being at home right now is spending time with my brothers. I don't know when I will stop being pleasantly surprised by people in general but it certainly will not stop with them. Sku has become everything that I want to be. He is kind to his family (from the grandparents down to the babies), tight with his friends, ever more conscious of his faith, studious, and still a relaxed paragon of Hussain humor. Ali is reminding me about prayer times and becoming even more of a smart-mouth delinquent (which in my book is a good thing, reminds me of me at his age) while continuing to prove that he is not the baby of the family with his independence, intelligent conversation, and surprisingly mature attitudes. It's strange, I've always been proud of my family, but this is something new, something stronger. I wouldn't leave Asiya out, although I see less of her since she is at school. It always surprises me when I am excited and happy to see her return home on the weekends, considering how we used to argue so many years ago. Still, there is no doubt that Asiya continues to amaze me. This is nothing new as I think I realized after I moved out my junior year of college that she had always been an intelligent, sensitive woman with deep reservoirs of passion, caring, and diligence. Recently, Shabir, Sameer, and I found ourselves on the DePaul campus at midnight and she invited us over for some food. They noticed something that I had never noticed myself: She is as protective of me as I am of her. The latter, my own protectiveness, they of course had witnessed themselves through various verbal tirades, beat-downs and other temper flares throughout college. ***** I don't think this makes any meteorological sense, but the fall sky on a clear night is definitely clearer than a clear night in the summer Standing outside the masjid waiting for the doors to open for fajr, I saw more stars than I had in a while. One could pick out the Big Dipper and Orion’s Belt very clearly. I have been dreading the onset of fall as it shows the passing of time while I feel that I myself am not changing (for the better anyhow) along with it. However, it is undeniably beautiful, between the starry sky and the fall foliage as illuminated by streetlamps. The man who stood next to me in prayer smelled exactly the way my dad smelled fifteen years ago after he had shaved and was ready for work. It made me wish that I had woken him up and brought him along. After prayer was done, there was a circle of middle-aged men that formed in the middle of the hall. They gather to practice their reading every Sunday morning and it struck me as being so similar to the circles that used to practice in Egypt and probably also similar to the halaqas that have gathered for centuries. There is something to the timelessness of ritual, to the feeling of tradition, and the sense of belonging that I experience in this community and other Muslim communities that I have been blessed to find myself in. I was thinking to myself the other day that I am a big fan of rites, that if I was Christian, I would really enjoy being Catholic or some sort of Eastern Orthodox out of an appreciation for rituals, despite having a more Protestant theological bend. Still, if Islam doesn’t work out for me, the front-runner has to be Tantric Hinduism (indulge in the forbidden until it becomes meaningless). ***** The prayer said before riding in a car or traveling in general sounds really good if you recite it to the tune of Gordon Lightfoot’s song, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. They lyrics add a lot of meaning to the prayer and vice versa, and the tune really does work. "Does anyone know where the love of God goes, When the words turn the minutes to hours" The rest of the lyrics are here: http://home.pacbell.net/chabpyne/lyrics.htmlI think I have to credit Hijabman for the increasing desire to sing my prayers along with a tune, either him or my current general head-in-the-clouds state. ***** Reading about the Afghan elections has left me in a somewhat hard-to-explain happy place. So as a liberal I reckon I should know better, considering how undemocratic these elections probably were, with voters being coerced by tribal leaders and armed militias, and considering how importantly this plays into Dubya’s claims of spreading democracy. Being a confused sufi-salafi, I think I should probably react with a measure of disgust and cynicism at these elections being managed and run to place a “puppet of the West” in power. However, I have to step on a lotta toes here and write that I was really, truly happy to read about Afghani women dressing in their wedding clothes to go to the polls, talking about their duty to vote and change the future. It makes me wish I could be more excited and less jaded about our own upcoming elections. A young guy here told me that democracy is un-Islamic. He was born and raised in the US, so this this was frightening shakti. Talking him out of that opinion was tough (someone sure programmed him well!) but at least for once, I got to take the soft stance in a discussion. ***** I miss Boston. Ali was playing the new Tony Hawk game and the first level was in good old Boston. I had him pause the screen every five seconds to check out the landmarks they threw in like T stops, the State Capitol building, etc. Then I saw Cheers and some jack was talking about going to Kenmore Square. Hearing these place names really makes me anxious to go back for a visit. Hearing Dwan and Navroop arguing with each other over the phone makes me want to visit too. Oh that and drinking sub par Goose Island root beer in Chicago. ***** My dad’s mother (aka Dadi Jan) is leaving in a week. Although I really hate to say it, I think there is some legitimacy to her worry that this may be the last time she will make the trip here and possibly the last time that we will see her. I’ve been lucky to have spent some time with her over these past months and right now I’m trying hard to get as much family lore and history on paper as my dad and uncles do not seem to know too much on that front. She is a tough woman who has been through an amazing amount of stress and difficult times. It would take another post to relate her story. ***** Am I compromising myself too much? Am I not giving my own opinions and desires enough merit or importance? I find this hard to believe, as I am quite selfish and hedonistic these days. Yet somehow, my friends believe that I am losing too much of my self in this current relationship. I don’t understand. I feel so excited, so thrilled. Is it impossible to feel happy by making someone else happy, that that might supersede one’s own wants or desires (assuming that they are oppositional)? North-side desi macho-ness certainly prevents me from saying that I’d like to be whipped, but I simply do not feel that I am being asked to do more than I am asking her to do. If anything, I feel so bad for her, for all that I am putting her through and the brave face she puts on despite it all. I value my friends’ opinion as I know that they know me very well and speak only out of concern and good-intention, and that people get blinded when they are so head-over-heels. But this feels mutual, this feels right. Maybe someday I’ll share with them her assurances, the things she says and does in moments of peace and moments of argument that compel me to praise God and thank him for the gift of companionship. Right now they’re so personal and so strong that I could barely relate them in conversation, in speech, or even in writing. I blush to myself even thinking about it. My mom told me this about life in general: Better to trust and be fooled than to be forever suspicious. My sister told me this about her husband: I wish I could show people the man I know, how wonderful he is. But I know and that’s what’s really important. ***** These verses are gripping me these days like perhaps no others before. I am still trying to understand why. They are the last seven verses of Surah Hashr (Exile). As I read and recite them, something new leaps out at me, another lesson or point that is appropriate for that day or hour's circumstances. http://www.islam101.com/quran/yusufAli/QURAN/59.htmThanks for getting this far. Take care. Current Mood: content | | Tuesday, August 24th, 2004 | | 3:38 am |
I don't think I've ever wanted to be a doctor more than right now, this very moment. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/hi/picture_gallery/04/in_pictures_emergency_hospital/html/1.stmI certainly know that I never wanted to be a surgeon until this moment. I reckon it'll pass, I am just too fickle. Somehow, no matter how dramatically something impacts me, moves me to working harder or feeling more spiritual or resolving to be a better friend/son/brother/person, I feel that in a few moments I return to the same apathetic and self-absorbed fellow. I need something to push me, sustain me as I try to become a better person as I cannot continue as I am and achieve my goals. I reckon external impacts won't do it though, I have to find something more enduring, internally, to leave an impression on my mind and soul. Something that will last longer than a speech, a conversation, a trip or an experience. Something has to change. I keep saying that every day will be different from the one before, has to be different, that it will be the beginning of a new, disciplined, better me. Every evening I realize I've come right back to where I've started. Some of my outward trappings and behaviors seem to have fooled people around me, but inside I know that I am either stagnating or regressing and I think it is that hypocritical contrast between what family/friends/locals seem to know of Mohammed Hussain, and what I truly know of my own nature, that makes me feel even more urgently the need to change and the despair of being in stasis. Ziauddin, one of my grandfather's younger brother came to me at the end of last weekend's quran khaani, an event held on the anniversary of certain deaths in the family where everyone gathers to read Quran and pray for those who have passed. In his muttered Urdu, he told me to read the last verses of Surah Ali-Imran (a chapter of the Quran entitled "The Family of Imran" in reference to the families of Jesus and Moses, peace and blessings of Allah be upon them). I thought it was quite random and in my own egocentric sorta way, figured that there was some rhyme/reason as to why he had mentioned this to me in particular, so I took a look at the verses, looking as usual for answers to questions that I do not know how to ask because they are so amorphous, not really definite questions but an anxiety, a cynicism, a pesky doubt that is not enough to ever disturb my relaxed days, but is enough to concern me when I reflect upon those days in the time before dawn as I prepare for the next which I hope will be better. They were wonderful verses, the last ten or so where I arbitrarily began to read, I felt as though I had seen them before, never heard them before although I have read through the Quran before and heard it recited before. Surah Ali-Imran, Verse 200, the last verse in the chapter: "O ye who believe! Endure, outdo all others in endurance, be ready, and observe your duty to Allah, in order that ye may succeed." This verse makes me realize that I have really not had to endure much and yet have so much, alhamdulillah, things always work out for the best through no action of my own. Yet still I am so terrible in observing my duties, this is essentially the problem. But, there is hope, time for improvement, a renewal of vows, declaring old intentions and promises and another chance to act on them. It's 4:24, time to get ready for fajr. Current Mood:  contemplative | | Thursday, June 10th, 2004 | | 4:26 am |
Rahmatullahi ala nisaa qawiyyah
4 am, I wake up and decide to check my e-mail. Looking for that one and praise Allah it's there. Have you ever seen a hyderabadi do the Lindy hop in a long skirt and then wash up for fajr? Maybe I have changed, maybe it's too much too soon and I am setting myself up for something painful, but it feels great. I trust her. And I reckon that's the only way one can go about something like this.. *Taking a not so cryptic page from the Huff Manual of LiveJournaling ***** My mother is disappointed in me. My dad thinks it was the right thing to do. I don't think I did anything wrong. Probably no more of this will ever be mentioned but it is a strange feeling, as it always is when I find myself more in accordance with him than her. *Taking a cryptic page from the Huff Manual of LiveJournaling ***** I flipped to the last letter from Wisdom of the Seeker and that last letter, it blew me away. It was about fault finding and forgiveness and I had to close the book and close my eyes for a few minutes. It was so relevant for me at the moment, and so true that it hurt, the words laid bare exactly what I was doing so I could see my actions clearly for what they were. I wish I was a more understanding person, I need to learn to be less judgmental. It is interesting how sometimes you find exactly what you need to hear. Or, exactly what you needed to hear a week ago. Current Mood: cheerful | | Tuesday, June 8th, 2004 | | 3:11 am |
Venus is dropping by for a visit so I guess I'll stay up. Being a salafi/wahabi/reactionary-type is fun in that you get to be in the newspapers a lot and you get to blow off a lot of steam for no big reason, but this book I'm reading right now is kinda pulling me towards the sufi track. Wisdom for the Seeker by Shaykh Zulfiqar Ahmad Naqshbandi. Followers of the Shaykh compiled their written correspondence, questions and problems that they had over many years and his replies. His answers are full of kindness and patience, drawing on Quranic verses, traditions of the Prophet, and a good dose of Sufi poetry that I would love to be able to understand in the original languages. It's emotional and heartfelt but also firmly advocates discipline in the face of life's trials without seeming harsh and judgmental. It's been a while since I read something that wasn't med stuff, newspapers, or internet pieces, and this experience (yeah it's an experience) is really different, I can unfocus my eyes and just feel the paper and appreciate the font and in a way that is part of the shaykh's answer to whatever it is I'm feeling, though I myself don't have a concern right now, it's an answer to a question that I can't ask because I don't know it. Floating - It's quite the luxury to be able to just think without anything particularly daunting on my mind. The thing is, yesterday I would not have been able to say that, there were so many pressing issues and they have yet to be dealt with. Maybe it's just what ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) laulaa had to say about basics, and when I go back to basics and look around myself at the people that Allah has placed around me, I can't be anything but thankful for the basics, human companionship through friends and family who seem to trust me no matter how I fare in dealing with those unresolved problems. ***** Chandni raat, it will be a while until I see one of those again, and it has nothing to do with the waxing and waning of the moon and everything to do with the fact that I am sappier than a cinnamon roll french toast at Deluxe Diner. But I reckon I like it that way. Current Mood: mellow | | 2:29 am |
If my life could be frozen right now.... Krispy Kreme donuts and a cold Hank's root beer Looking online for books I want to buy and not feeling guilty about buying them Talking about the next of my friends to go down the aisle and other wonderful things.....nothing in my life is really pinned down but I've always loved floating. I'm going to miss Boston more than anyone might believe. Current Mood: mellow | | Sunday, December 14th, 2003 | | 6:47 am |
Busted
So you see! My third party candidacy has already yielded results! As soon as I announced my platform resting on the promise to catch "the evil tyrant" Hussein, the Republican party along with the military it controls has swung into action in a shameless attempt to undercut my campaign. I congratulate them on their coincidentally-timed capture but remind them that I will continue to work hard to represent this great nation in the Oval Office! Current Mood: accomplished | | Friday, November 14th, 2003 | | 3:40 am |
Got a lot to say but it makes no sense
Tons of snow on the ground and tons incoming, winter, how I've missed you! I started throwing snowballs at Dwanz and he told me to grow up. He has become an old fart, it's not me, no, I don't need to change! I am always surprised at how snow mutes the sounds of a city. The night after the big snowstorm, Mike, Prashant and I had the fool idea to go get some desi grub and walked out into the snowstorm. As impractical as it was, it was really beautiful, the flakes huge and they were falling fast and even the major streets were still covered in a white blanket with not a car in sight. Silence except for the sound of our trudging feet. ***** One week till my sister is engaged to the dude. Oh yeah, his name is Hammad. There you go. She called me last weekend and we talked about a funny old home video from many years ago with me dancing like there was no tomorrow. Not sure where they found it, I will have to destroy it, but it prompted an hour long nostalgia trip between the two of us. Of course my first question was, "okay never mind where this tape has been all these years, was I at least dancing well?" When she called, she was laughing so hard that she was crying. Of course, I couldn't tell that she wasn't crying out of sadness and I freaked out and charged out of the restaurant I was in, thinking that the stress of the impending engagement was weighing on her or that the dude had done something stupid warranting a couple hours in a rental car back to Chicago and a few cartridges. Luckily they were tears of laughter...this whole thing is so awkward, I can't believe my little sister is doings something so....old. Having seen the tape, she wanted to know if I'd dance at her engagement or one of they myriad of associated parties leading up to and following it. I said a no to that, and a maybe to emceeing the engagement. I'm afraid of public speaking, and it truly will be public with about 550+ people showing up. ***** So I had to buy some Mecca cola at my local halal food mart. Slogan : Don't shake me, shake your conscience! They donate 10 percent of their profits to a Palestinian children's charity and another 10 percent to UNICEF, plus it tastes great in a float with vanilla ice cream and straight up. ***** If my choices are Bush or Dean, I may have to run as a third candidate myself. Campaign Slogan: It takes a Hussain to catch a Hussein! Vote Hussain! Studs Terkel and I both endorse Kucinich but I guess the pundits (and voters) aren't giving him much of a chance. But only Studs and my opinions should count. In the event of a tie, I reckon I'd defer to him though. Working is one of my favorite books I think, I'm not sure if I've written this before, but it has really changed my view of life and how I deal with people, especially those in the service industry. ***** The human ovary cross section slide in histology immediately reminded me of the sky as represented in Starry Night by Van Gogh. Deep blue/black and swirly with cells that look like the thick edges of his gloppy brush strokes. I really love this class, it is amazing, it's like a biology/architecture/religion course...when you look at the intricacies and adapatations of each structure to its function it is amazing. Nothing is arbitrary, everything has a purpose and there is an explanation for why every cell and every structure is shaped and arranged the way it is. ***** News today: Banning hijabs in France and Acid Attacks in the Punjab I can't help but feel like I'm staring like a deer in headlights at both a civil rights crisis for Muslims in the West and at the same time a huge religious crisis with fundamentalist corruption and ignorance of Islam in the East. Maybe I'm being melodramatic and every time is one of flux and chaos, especially to a student of history, or maybe this really is a pivotal point where creative, organized, and well meditated action is desperately necessary for Muslims. I guess I just wish someone would tell me what I as an individual should do. When the term fundamentalist start being thrown around to label just about any Muslim who was critical of the West, my grandfather sat a younger Azam down and asked him about it. Nana Ba: The media is ridiculous, fundamentalists! Do you know what fundamentals are? Azam: *slackjawed pre-teen stare* Nana Ba: Fundamentals, these are the basics. They're after people because they have fundamentals! Without any core beliefs, who are you then? That last question is an important one for me, a reminder to foster some sort of integrity in myself. Not in a "what am I doing to attack innocent people due to misplaced blame" but in a "what are my core beliefs? do I really hold them to be true? Is that belief exemplified in my actions?" sort of fundamentalism. ***** Discussing a trip to Vegas: Dwanz: Bro it'd be great, big buffets and cheap hotel rooms....it would be like a pilgrimage to hedonism...like the opposite of Hajj, we'll call it Jjah!" Me: Grrrrr....... ***** The other day I bumped into an old high school friend who is also in Boston. Catching up with him made me wonder about random high school people, where are they now, what problems do they have, how far am I from those days when they populated my small world? It made me think about where I am today and if I'd have ever predicted that I would be where I am and the way I am 8 years ago. More than that, it really made me wish, hope, and pray that everyone was doing fine and happy wherever they were. ***** The flip is back, though I think I will shave my head again after my sister's parties blow over this month. ***** How I love this song (Bruce Hornsby's cover of The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel), reminds me of listening to other Bruce Hornsby tunes on those seemingly long drives from Dundee to Chicago after having visited my grandparents. Pretty much all music from the 80s will remind me of those drives because that is how I spent my Sunday nights during that decade. I'm going to miss that house. Watched the Simpsons episode today where Lisa and Bart play ice hockey. Marge comes in and hugs Lisa as she's all tucked in and it reminds me of how my folks used to do that when I was a kid...and how eventually I would say, "come on guys, I’m big now, you can go hug Asiya or Umar or Ali..." but it was just macho posturing because I loved it. They would come in, turn of the light, confiscate whatever book I was reading, and give me a hug...you could hear it coming as they moved from bedroom to bedroom down the hallway because mine was the last one before their own. I can't remember when it ended but really, I have to pray for my parents. There's no way I can repay them for warmth like that. Sura Al-Isra (The Journey) "23. Thy Lord hath decreed, that ye worship none save Him, and (that ye show) kindness to parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age with thee, say not "fie" unto them nor repulse them, but speak unto them a gracious word.
24. And lower unto them the wing of submission through mercy, and say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both as they did care for me when I was little."So you see, the Simpsons can lead one to the Quran *dodging lightning bolt* ***** On to more secular delights, the reviews for Return of the King are gushing, I can't wait. Saw Matrix 2 again with Ahmad Hassan and enjoyed it immensely, I think it was just fun to see it with someone so thrilled to be seeing it, he wasn't disappointed at all and I felt like I saw it with new eyes. On deck: The Last Samurai, Return of the King (the reviews are off the chain yo!), Master and Commander, and finally Kill Bill if it is still out anywhere. All in all, I may have to add a movie tickets to my ideal future life, thereby bringing it up to : apartment above Jamia Masjid or Masjid Noor, a library card, a bicycle, a self-replenishing stack of reeses cups, and a wife whose comfortable living like that. Oh, and of course the movies...my once clear concept of an ascetic life is becoming cluttered with possessions... ***** Why are relationships so difficult? I guess if they weren't so maddeningly confusing, the moments of connection wouldn't seem so precious. Yes, another evening spent listening to guys who alternately know exactly what to do and have no real idea at all, makes me feel relieved that I don't have to deal with all of that...okay so I would rather be dealing with all of that but I reckon I can't complain with life looking pretty good these days and a break full of parties ahead...just have two finals in the way. Current Mood: mellow | | Thursday, November 13th, 2003 | | 6:15 am |
Tales of the Ides of Ramadan or My Cracked Out Life
Okay so a number of things have reminded me today that my life is strange. 1. I have traced that remarkable smell in the neighborhood to a Tootsie Roll factory that is only a few blocks away. As you get closer, you're almost overcome by this heady chocolaty minty....deliciousness. It's enough to make you pass out and fall off of your bike. There are benches out there that make me think of a warm summer afternoon spent sitting there with a couple of root beers getting loaded off of that airborne tootsie goodness.... 2. Speaking of falling off bikes, I was hit by a car today on the way to masjid. It was the kinda car that queenvish knows I like, big, old, Caddy-style American sedan with huge bumpers. The man got out of his car and the first thing that impulsively came out of my mouth was "You okay man?" Anyways, the bike was fine, my leg was fine, his shiny chrome bumper was fine, so I said, "hey don't worry about it" and we were on our way. 3. I got lectured by a Malaysian investment banker about how we need to be thankful for everything Allah has given us, or else we are in "deep shit." Something about a Mr. Miyagi (from Karate Kid) lookalike decked to the nines in white collar wear swearing in the masjid while hammering home a religious point made me laugh during his serious advisory speech. I do appreciate the advice but I wonder what it is that seems to tell people, hey this guy here will sit and listen to you pontificate. Maybe it is my Neo-like expressions of confusion. 4. After taraweeh late in the evening, an acquaintance named Nabeel and a few other young guys at the masjid ask me if I can provide shelter for a brother who just came from Morocco. His contact here in the States stood him up and he slept at some train station the other night. Everyone else seems to have a reason why their place is too full or their roommates are too strange, so I wind up with bringing Muhammad home, who can only speak French and Morrocan-style Arabic, thereby making communication difficult with the Indian-American who only speaks American, Spanish, subpar Indian, and really subpar Arabic with an Egyptian accent. He's a really nice guy mashallah (though I guess when you can't really talk to eachother that well you can't figure out if the guy is a jerk) and we just came back from Fajr. I was wondering what I was going to feed him when he suddenly pulled out a roasted chicken (yes a WHOLE chicken!) and container after container of Moroccan treats, the homemade baked kind. I'm not sure how he got all that food into his bag and over the ocean, but I can't blame him, it may be a while before he has Mom's cooking again. 5. Technically this happened two days ago but still odd, after a cruel and unusual histology exam, I crashed and missed evening prayers, waking up just in time for a post-exam party where I parked myself in front of the poker table and the Eagles-Packers game (Bears lose Sunday, Packers win Monday, net weekend of 0). A, a friend of mine at BU, slides up and we begin chatting. A: "Notice anything different?" Me: "Ummm, haircut?" A: "No, not a haircut! I got my breasts augmented!....can't you tell?" Me: "Nope it's Ramadan. Can't tell. But..uh....congrats" I always thought cosmetic surgery was for Hollywood folk, porn stars, and middle-aged trophy wives. Goes to show you that there are some really insecure smart folk out there. Maybe it is politically incorrect or just wrong for me to assume that she is insecure for having cosmetic surgery, but it's how I feel, though maybe it is no different from people who work out with the purpose of looking better. Then again, I know I'm an insecure and superficial person so this really shouldn’t phase me at all. But all of the sudden, I felt like I was in an episode of the OC! Naturally I’d be the scowling thugged out protagonist who seems to wear a Hanes undershirt to every event from prison lunch to the charity gala.....yes, I watched far too much TV this summer. ****** Life is still quite normal though. My mom called and asked the weekly question. It's quickly becoming a perfunctory part of our calls. Mom: Soooooooo, anyone I should know about? Me: Nah mom, there really isn't anyone around here... Mom: Nooo I guess not, maybe it's better anyways, I don't want you prowling about looking for a girl. ***** It's cloudy and rainy this morning, perfect time for a walk, the weather is warm (50s) and breezy...reminding me of that night in Kalamazoo watching the lightning crash talking about relationships with the Huff. What a night that was. What a life this is. Current Mood: cheerful | | Thursday, November 6th, 2003 | | 1:33 pm |
The B-sides
I've just come across a stash of half-written lj entries that will need to be posted at some point, good stuff about strange days and most notably, the Berghoff Affair. Somehow I started and forgot them, distracted by who knows what (most likely a food run or Simpsons). I guess I'll have to release them over time a la Tupac, since I have to hit the books on some painful exams coming up. Tupac didn't have to go through this. Current Mood:  lazy | | Tuesday, November 4th, 2003 | | 12:00 am |
Oh Shekazeramesh, won't you ever learn?
My livejournal color scheme seems to have changed of its own volition. ***** Why does it seem like the whole world is either having a. girl trouble or b. marriage trouble? Only person with good news about his special female friend is Marty, whose love interest is flying back to Boston this week after spending some quality time where all elderly people do, Florida. She's selling her retirement condo and moving in with him. All the guys below 80 however seem to be having difficulties of (gasp) communication. ***** I feel old. Here in Boston, I have no family context to define me as young. People at the mosque here in Cambridge just assume I'm old, sat at one of the "mens" tables at last night's fundraising dinner rather than the "college guys" table and not only did no one find that strange, I didn't find it strange. We talked about politics, work, schools, told jokes, etc. and I was clapping these guys on the backs and yelling back and forth as though I was a 30-something or 40-something. Had I been at a dinner in Chicago, there is no way I would have been with the middle-aged posse. I also met many arab-look-allikes including an Arab Ray Romano, an Arab Putty (from Seinfeld), and an Arab Tom Hanks. Didn't meet any women for longer than 10 seconds though, and even then it was all business. Still the grub was excellent (chicken with rice and the rice had these raisins, all rice dishes should have raisins) and it was kinda exciting to be adding up pledge forms as the donations started coming in. The Boston community is pretty solid, they scraped together an admirable chunk of change but were still disappointed. "You know brother, tough economy, but still." Sultan: "You're a good storyteller, you'll make a good doctor. You have to be able to talk to your patients, make them laugh." Yup, now I just have to hit the books so I can make them healthy. I think about 5 people after talking with me for a while, asked if I knew of Azhar Usman and said I should join up with him. ***** Someone finally bought my grandparents house a few days ago. They signed the deed over to them and cried all the way back to Chicago. 40 years in a place, and suddenly circumstance and some cells that just won't stop dividing take it away from you. That and your independence. Nana Ba was a civil engineer. He designed that house himself, and him and Nani Ami watched a family go through it and their whole large tribe settle around it. I'll always remember it as the huge old house that it seemed to me when I was younger, full of toys, cheetos and cola (stuff my parents didn't want us eating), and old photos, where everything from the rugs to the ceiling lamps had a story that I could tell you now but my cousins will probably never hear. ***** There was an event tonight on public health issues in Palestine. I slunk in after maghrib and iftar, caught the majority of it. I'm tired of dialogue. The speaker was great, a Palestinian doctor who has experienced all of the craziness that people talk about, ambulances stopped at checkpoints while patients die inside, hospitals attacked and bombarded, being strip searched, etc. Yet, there they are, smug partisans who laugh, LAUGH, during the presentations as they show the most horrible pictures. Feet propped up on the chair in front of them, derisive asinine outbursts of laughter. I know I'm supposed to be above it, but god help me, I was about to punch someone. Juvenile, reactionary, thoughtless. But satisfying. It makes me think of the time I saw Benjamin Netanyahu in a downtown Chicago hotel lobby about an armspan away from me. I never come away from these events thinking that talking will solve anything. But maybe I've just played too much Contra growing up. Still, the whole thing reminded me of something very important: A career in medicine does not preclude one from activism. It in fact strengthens it. So upon returning home, I worked out for a bit (so I can punch that smug face good!) and started studying (so I can heal that face good....someday). I wonder if I will ever stop contradicting myself. ***** Wow, reading this entry, I feel like I've got a lot of anger for some reason, though I feel quite calm right now. Might have something to do with taraweeh, I'm attempting to read the portion of the Quran that will be read in the evening in advance so I get more out of the prayer, including the English translation. This is the first time I've read so much of the Quran in English in a few years and it never fails to impress and amaze me with pertinence and insight. Like Javed, I'm amazed that there are Muslims out there who have never read the whole Quran in English. What is really striking me are certain analogies that seem so apt and nuanced, and verses about the "righteous" people among the Jews and Christians. I wonder why verses of the latter category do not get discussed more by both critics of Islam and its proponents. Most striking of them all are the verses about hypocrisy and weak faith, making me question how strong of a Muslim I am. If I were to draw a graph (as though faith were quantifiable) I feel like I've been static for a long time, if not decreasing. I wouldn't attribute this to a lack of belief in core tenets or a questioning of faith, but more to an erosion in my own discipline. Then again, I've always maintained that if a person really believed in something, the discipline would be there, so perhaps somewhere my belief is faulty. Sophia and I had a big long discussion about this, about belief and action. ***** Ramadan is flying along, we're already almost a third of the way through. It always goes too fast. Food tastes better, the masjid is buzzing, and the recitation brings the blood to your face and goosebumps on your skin. The first day of Ramadan, when it dawned on me that the Imam was going to be praying Salatul Witr in the Egyptian style (aka Shafi school of thought) I almost broke down. I feel like I've cried more these past two years than I did during the twenty before it. Current Mood: contemplative | | Monday, November 3rd, 2003 | | 2:07 am |
One simply can't get drunk, especially when it's Ramdan. So I'll have to settle for frozen Reeses cups, a Stewart's root beer, and depressing alternative videos on MTV2. I don't lack faith. Well, I do, but it's not like I'm questioning God. I have an easy life. I think I just like getting bummed sometimes. Two separate phone conversations on Saturday: Mom: So have you met anyone interesting? Me: Nooooo, I haven't met any muslim girls here, i never even see any except at masjid and you know i'm not going to go and meet them there Mom: Oh no of course not Mom: Well then is there anyone here in Chicago? Me: nooooooo Mom: You know, it'll just be easier if you find someone than if we have to do it Me: I know, don't think i'm not interested Abu: Yeah, inshallah beta well take care of yours (wedding) next year. Me: What, you're kidding right? Youll have to find a girl first Abu: Don't worry, we'll take care of it. Abu: I don't mind supporting you two for a while, for a few years It's not that I'm totally appalled that I'm they're already thinking about this. More than that, it's the increasingly realistic chance that I will never be able to find someone who I want to spend my life with, much as I would like to. Time to sober up with some Quran. Have to use these Ramadan evenings for more than shameless self-pity and avoidance of actual work. Current Mood: dorky |
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